Apps I Wish Existed

DREAM-APPS

Back in the day, if you required a certain tool, gizmo, or piece of information you would have had to just hope that it was hiding among your lipsticks in your purse, somewhere nearby, or in the depths of your mind. Nowadays we obviously have the luxury of turning to our handy, dandy smartphones to do this work for us. Need a flashlight? There’s an app for that. Need to know where the nearest cronut shop is? There’s an app for that. Need to get laid? Don’t you worry, there’s an app for that too. We’ve certainly come to rely upon the apps in our lives to make things easier, but there are a few yet-to-be-developed apps that could really help me out.Sure the contents of my iPhone at present provide me with an unbelievable convenience, and if I didn’t have it, I probably wouldn’t know where or who I was. Without it I wouldn’t know what Kim Kardashian’s latest Instagram pic was of or be able to access the resulting tweets from outraged nay-sayers. These are important parts of my day-to-day, clearly, but there are some apps that would really be game changers if they were developed and made available to little old me.

Breathalyzer

Now, I don’t have my licence, so I don’t require a breathalyzer for the conventional use. I could however use a breathalyzer that would read my level of intoxication, and thus determine if my dance moves/singing were getting out of hand. I’m sure there’s a point in the night where my charming attempts to sing like Aretha or dance like Robyn reach a level that is a) annoying and more importantly b) embarrassing. Hence, a breathalyzer app would be great.

Netflix Picker

When choosing a movie required going into Blockbuster and scouring the newest releases for a winner, I could waste some serious time in there. No joke, I’m sure I’ve spent over an hour seeking out the right DVD to fit my mood in the past. Now I have the same problem, but with Netflix. There are too many options and my scatterbrained mind just can’t handle it! I’ll spend hours going through all the different genres, going back and forth between a handful of options, and then settling on watching a few reruns of Community. If only there was an app that could analyze how you were feeling, essentially read my mind, scan through all the possible options, and present to me the perfect cinematic offering. It would save me a ton of time, and guarantee a happy movie watcher every time.

Leave it Deleted Reminder

I’m sure you’ve all heard of the ever popular dating app Tinder. Many people I know both have it AND rave about it. They tell me it’s an ego booster, they tell me it’s a great way to meet guys, they tell me I’ll love it. Wrong. The only thing I like about Tinder are the hilarious photos of absurd dudes trying to do their best Zoolander impression while cradling a cute little puppy and flexing their bicep. I’ve deleted it a few times now, but when bored (or a couple of glasses of vino deep) I’ll resurrect it hoping for a quick boost of self esteem or some temporary entertainment. However, upon reinstatement to my iPhone roster, I quickly realize that it is just not the app for me. Instead of going through this silly little dance every time, I need an automatic reminder installed in my phone that will pop up with all the reasons I don’t enjoy Tinder, perhaps some especially douchey visual examples, to talk me out of reinstalling.

Force Me to Go to Bed App

As I’ve previously stated, I have this tendency of being an occasional, but extreme night owl. For example, the other week I started watching Orange is the New Black for the first time and obviously became completely addicted. I then proceeded to stay up until almost 3am watching the show, only to wake up completely exhausted the next day (this is a poor example, as losing sleep for such an incredible show was totally worth it). However, on other nights, when I just listen to music super loudly or stare at old episodes of the O.C through my glassy, fatigued eyes, an app, perhaps a special alarm, that would gently talk me into calling it a night would be especially useful.

A New and Improved Siri

I don’t typically use Siri and this is partly due to her very annoying voice. If only there was a more soothing voice of wisdom, perhaps more of a baritone, out there that could answer my inquiries. Oh, but there is: Alec Baldwin. If I could set my Siri to instead speak like Mr. Baldwin, well, I think I’d be on my phone a lot more often and have a lot more simple questions answered (Alec, where is the nearest Menchies?). That velvety, smooth talking ladykiller would be a welcomed addition to my iPhone’s many capabilities.

Allright Tim Cook, I’ve put it out there, and am not claiming any rights to these ingenious ideas, hop to it sir!

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One response to “Apps I Wish Existed

  1. Get yourself an IP lawyer ASAP!

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