First things first – a disclaimer – I know diddly squat about men. Ab-so-lut-ely nothin’. So if you’re looking for dating guidance, or an oracle that explains the great mystery of the 21st century – modern-day 20-something dudes – then I must apologize, as this is a ‘blind leading the blind’ situation. However, I can certainly commiserate with you over the completely baffling texts, behaviour, yet equal dreaminess of the modern-day man. I have a crush on every cute boy. Quite literally. So here’s a glossary of all the different types of dudes we modern-day ladies have encountered at one point in our lives.
- Ghostface (Hope) Killah: The guy you meet, hit it off with, give your number to, and then never hear from again. Did he ever even exist? Or was he a figment of your romantically starved imagination? Either way, your hopes are now crushed and ego mildly bruised. Try to forget about it, darlin’.
- Hoodini: There one minute, gone the next.
- Mr.Pig: Ladies, there are swine walking among us, but they very convincingly come across as charming. These guys either have girlfriends (which you didn’t know) or have dastardly motives (which they swore they didn’t). #2LegsGood #4LegsBad
- Nex: Not exactly a rebound – more so just your next ex.
- The Patrick Bateman: When this guy ends things with you, he does so in such a way that you can only assume that he’s completely void of emotion or feelings of remorse – most likely a complete sociopath. Be grateful, honey. You dodged a bullet.
- Perfect Stranger: The guy you pass on the street/see getting off the subway/bike past you just one time. You lock eyes for a brief millisecond, but you just know, he MUST be totally perfect. You hope to encounter him for another moment soon.
- The Schmohawk: A phrase I borrow often from Larry David, describing an all-around crappy guy. Let’s you down, isn’t nice, yada yada yada, a total schmohawk.
- The Smuth Sayer: This guy swears he’s being upfront with you, and telling you the truth. Truth, smuth, I say.
- That Guy: This guy is that guy you always see walk past your work/outside the cool bike store/in line at the coffee shop. Used in a sentence to your friends, who know exactly who you’re talking about, “OMG. I saw That Guy again! He’s growing a beard!! EeeEee!”
- Tinder Surprise: While all your friends’ and your own previous Tinder experiences have proven to be nightmarish, The Tinder Surprise, is an unexpectedly awesome tinder date who gives you, and others who hear the tale, hope for the future.
- Wannabae: This is the dude you’re seeing, and playing it super chill with, but truthfully, you want him to be your bae.
- Wolf Boy: As in, the boy who cried wolf. This guy texts you frequently promising to make plans/meet up, and then never follows through.
Dating is basically a pu pu platter of hits and misses, dream dates, and absolute nightmares. Best to know what you’re up against.
NOTE: I completely acknowledge and appreciate that there is a corresponding list to describe modern-day ladies (Stage 5 Clinger, and so on), for example I’m an ‘Eager n00b’. However, beyond self reflection, I don’t possess the insight to construct such a list.
All Images: emojipedia.org